The Poo Pipe.

We're getting between 20 and 25 centimeters of snow by Saturday night. So, once again I'm worried about the poo pipe.

What's the poo pipe, you might ask? Don't worry - I won't have to drink a barium milkshake to show you.

The poo pipe looks kinda like this. Except it's only about a foot tall and there's no spaceship on top and no pneumatic tube beside to send messages to aliens.

Plus, in case you were wondering, poo doesn't really come out of it. Or - into it as far as I know.

The poo pipe is located on our rooftop terasse. It's for the whole building, but it's in our private deck portion. So, I guess that makes the poo pipe ours.

Genesis of the name. When we had the inspector come through before we bought this place, he told us that pipe is basically where the air pressure escapes whenever you flush your toilet. The woman who lived here before us had a metal garden chicken sculpture sitting on top of the poo pipe. He said that was a bad idea. The poo pipe air chute must remain free of debris. Sometimes, you can see air come out of the poo pipe when it's cold. But it doesn't smell like poo. It just looks like breath might on a chilly day.

Which brings us to this weekend's snowfall.

It could likely bury the poo pipe. This has happened before. We had lots of snow. And at first, the snow drifts all leaned away from the pipe and it continued happily huffing air into the sky, all chimney-like. But more snow came. And inch by inch, I watched the top of it disappear under a heap of white. And then no air came out.

And I couldn't undig it because there was 3 feet of snow, blocking the patio door. So, every day I'd check on the poo pipe. Helpless under the avalanche. Unable to cough out any air pressure.

Corn said, "Just leave it. It will be fine".

And it was. But what happens if the poo pipe gets buried again? Where will the toilet flush pressure go? Back through the pipes in reverse? Will my toilet explode?Will my neighbour's toilets explode? If they only knew that 2 dimwit non-handy, first time homeowners were the custodians of their toilet pressure.

Oh well. Wait and see. Churn on, little poo pipe. Churn on.

p.s. I wrote "poo" 15 times. Oops, 16.

Holmes Reno

I have an obsession with interior design. My place is not even CLOSE to a magazine spread. There is still so much stuff to do. But I often dream about what I'd love to do. I love looking at peoples' houses. I also peek in windows if I am outside. I gotta know what it looks like in there!

If I am a passenger in a car, I look for windows in weird places - like above stores or basement apartments. I look at balconies. I like seeing what people do with their space. I LOVE home reno shows. Hell, I was on one, so you know I mean it. :) Love flipping through design mags. Love before and afters. But the thing I love most is seeing how people maximize limited living space. One of my favourite shows on HGTV is called "Small Space, Big Style". Where they go into people's homes (1000 sf or less) to see how they've creatively and efficiently used their space.

Which is why I can't WAIT to see Oprah today! Nate Berkus is re-doing a teeny apartment. It's only 250 square feet!! This amazes me.

And that pretty much concludes my lame post. I AM writing a post about a murder in my neighbourhood, but it's not done yet. So, you'll have to come back. How's THAT for a tease?

Paint Job

Internet, I give you...Desert Floor! It's a little hard to see, though. I tried to get some ceiling in there so you could see the diff btwn that and white. Let me tell you, it's a world of difference from the previous "Asparagus Pee" shade (pee was on the left side, puke-green on the right). I love the colour yellow. I even had a yellow living room that I adored - but THIS particular yellow...nothing but bodily function all 'round. Speaking of bodily function, you will also note a ratdawg in this photo, pondering over whether to lick his feet or his weiner. Maybe both.

Anyway, next - we will need a table. That couch right now is floating in limbo in an identity-less room area. We have our living room upstairs with the TV. That couch is just filler right now, so it looks like we have stuff. HEH. So, we will have to get a table and move that sucker upstairs. Which should be fun seeing as how the movers nearly gave up trying to get the last one up there. You'd think they'd have a sense of humour about me lying on it while they did it.

As far as tables go, Corn suggested one with a leaf insert in it for when our respective parole occifers come over. Good idea, I think. Because it's never good to seat the long arm of the law on overturned milk crates. Even though with their long arms, they'd be able to reach the salt by themselves. Wacka. Wacka.

And - is it just me - but those of you who either HAVE Ikea tables or have been there lately - do they not seem TINY to you? They feel wee. Lower to the ground than they should be. Like they're intended to seat a family of Swedish meatballs and not actual bipeds. Oh, you crazy Ikea, you! Saw one at Sears that we liked - and it was on sale - but no insert. So, the search continues.

Meanwhile - we gots the snow. I saw a lady digging her car out with a cookie sheet this morning. Whatever works in a pinch, I guess.

Oh, and as a sidenote - Dreamgirls took home a whack of Golden Globes last night. So, what do I know? I still thought it was boring though. Though I DID like Eddie Murphy up until I threw the rest of my ten dollar popcorn down my face and walked out.

A brush with hygiene

We're finally painting this weekend! Last night we Home Depot'd it and
bought all the necessary things: paint, brushes, rollers, booze,
coveralls, a goat, dropsheets, diapers, snowgoggles and a leafblower.

The colour we've selected is called Desert Sand. When it's windy outside,
hard micro-pellets of sand will detach from the wall and whip against our
bare legs and scratch our retinas (See? Now you know why we'll need the goat).

I have been busy sanding down the plastered bits on the wall. The sanding is dirty and there are mini-piles of dust all along the baseboard. Flea and Chachi look like that dandruffy kid in Grade 3 that no one would sit beside (did that kid also eat poop sangweeches?).

Oh - speaking of which, I gave them a bath yesterday because despite their size they still manage to generate quite a hum. The best way I can describe it is - they smell like eyes, ears and mouth. All rolled into one.

I had to laugh because it was the first time that Chachi actually REALIZED that he was going to get a bath. I ran the water in the tub, shook up a shampoo bottle and he ran away. When he runs to 'hide' he only goes as far as the safety of a little dogbed beside the couch - sittin' there all earless, wide-eyed and trembling. And when I got closer, he turned his back to me, like 'If I can't see you, you can't see me!' Finally, as a last resort he rolled on his back and tapped at me with his front paws, pleadingly.

Minutes later, he smelled like Mango Tango.

I actually took a photo of him playing the victim because I was laughing
so hard. I'm even posting it for ya because I know how you can't get enough of my dog photos and me talking about my dogs and dogs dogs blah blah blaaahhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGS!!!!

If there's one thing I can say about chihuahuas, they can really milk the pity card like you've never seen. I give you Exhibit A. I call it "hygiene-phobic ratdawg". If you look closely, you can see wavy lines of stink eminating from his body (and Flea's mini-feets).



HAH! If the neighbourhood dogs saw this, Chachi would never live it down.

So, yeah. Painting. The place might be a mess this weekend, but at least I gots clean dogs. Oh, and just in case you bleeding hearts are wondering if Chachi's okay -right now he's sitting on my lap hosing down his crotch. Everything is as it should be.

She ain't a home, yet....

We don't have a dining room table. In fact, me and Corn as a unit have never ever shared a meal at a table located within the confines of our own dwelling. Is that weird? We always eat on the couch. No plates - just right off the couch. Is THAT weird? Corn wants to wait to buy a table (grand ideas about knocking down a wall downstairs first to create a big living/dining space - THEN filling it up). Me, I want one asap. I want to collect. I want furniture to pile on top of furniture in space we don't have, so we have to live vertically for a while - hopping from stack o' things to stack o' thing like spelunkers. Then, when we finally DO create the space (which we will but not for a while!), we will already have the stuff to fill it up, propah.

Anyway, it just so happens that there is a sale on at The Bay this weekend on housey stuff, including tables. So, hopefully we can check it out. I think we've also scrapped the idea of horizontal blinds (y'know, the wood slats) because we are too lazy to get the damn things sized and curtains are just so much easier and less asspensive (and easier for spelunkers to grab and swing from). Oh yeah--we also still have to paint. HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! The idea was to do it this weekend. But I'm going to be working on Sat and writing, too. So, that puts the pooper on inhaling paint fumes this weekend. MEH!! Progress feels slow - like someone slapped a Denver Boot on my ass.

I DID however take a trip to Ikea with Kim earlier this week. Where we didn't find anything utilitarian, but I did manage to come out of there with an assortment of wicker baskets, candles and (another, much to Corn's dismay) decorative pillow (IT IS MY WEAKNESS!)

No, YOU shut up. It's a girl thing.

p.s. Rick - chocolate is my friend. I eat it every day (no lie). Gimme gimme recipe. NOW.

Condo Dispatch

Hey all!

Thanks for your b-day and yay-for-homo-nership wishes! :)

It's been a busy weekend. We were in bed at 9pm Fri/Sat/Sun. And yes, lamely enough that includes my birthday..which went by with absolutely zero fanfare or get togethers -but I was totally alright with that. It's been a hectic few weeks and I was happy to just chill out with Corn and rats and pizza and wine and some good fibre optic blah-dee-blahs with friends and family. I will make up for it next year with beer bongs and a gyroscope.

I took the day off today and hit the wall. The point of unpacking where everything is out of boxes and in their general areas and I just couldn't do it anymore. I got bored. So I sort of wandered aimlessly. At times repeatedly into walls, like those little wind-up toys. Good times.

But! It's all good, folks. Can't wait to show you some pics when things are less hairy. And also of the condo, too.

Ah, yeah...still got it.

p.s. Rick - chocolate. BUT I can't eat cake bc I am allergic to eggs. I actually haven't had a birthday cake in years. I am going to rent myself out for kids' parties as the Amazing Face-Inflating Anaphalactic Funtimes Gal.

Movin'

We've begun the slow migration of living in cardboard boxes! Kaptain Kemp and the Mrs. moved last week into the neighbourhood, and as I have mentioned before, they are giving us their moving boxes.

But I lost my marker.

So, I am trying to pack the boxes according to the labelling already present. So far, I have managed to pack boxes full of books - already labelled as such.

But I have no idea what I'm going to do for the ones marked "Human heads".

Oh, those wacky Kaptains!

BTW--this will be the 6th time I have moved in 7 years. Thank you Witness Protection Program!

Crossing My Eyes and Dotting the Tease

Alright poopsmacks, it's time to lay it on ya.

WE'RE JOINING THE RANKS OF THE HOUSEPOOR!

I didn't want to spill the beans til I was certain of 3 major things: THE PRICE, THE BANK and THE INSPECTION (which was today!). There are still a bunch of loose ends to tie up, but the big stuff is aces (purely aesthetics on the inspection...i.e. - a cracked tile in the bathroom). But it's a new building and really solidly and safely constructed.

We haven't officially signed the dotted line on Closing Day - so, I don't want to jinx
stuff. SOOOOOOOOO - for now: it's a condo, we love it, it's in NDG.

If you know anyone interested in a 4.5 in NDG (Monkland Village) for $830 by Dec. 1st (possibly sooner), send them my way!

For Shit's Sake (or, "Dogs Are Retarded')

Say friends,

Just out of curiousity and for no reason in particular...has anyone's dog ever, oh..I dunno - eaten the WAX RING FROM A TOILET?!!

I closed the bathroom door, but I guess there was just enough of a crack for a 4lb shithead named Chachi to sneak in.

I don't know how much he ingested but he freakin' GOING TO TOWN on the thing!

Won't be so glad when it sneaks back up on him at 3am in the form of projectile vomit.

ERGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!

The Toilet Whisperer is still MIA.

The Man Who Fixes Toilets...

..looks like Cesar Milan! But from the way my dogs welcomed him, I don't think he can communicate, let alone whisper to dogs. Maybe he whispers to toilets.

Anyway, he took the whole pooper off then said he would be back with a new seal and bolts in half an hour! Call me crazy but shouldn't a seal and bolts have accompanied him to the "wobbly toilet" housecall in Apartment 12?

Anyway, now we have this:




I hope the line-up at Reno Depot isn't too crazy, cuz guess what?

CORN HAS TO PEE!

hehehe.

A Special Day

At 6pm, a man is coming to fix our toilet. It rocks.

I mean, the TOILET rocks. Y'know, wobbles when you're trying to aim your poop into the bowl. Very distracting when I am attempting to browse the the August issue of Lou Lou Magazine, even though I have the damn thing memorized by now (I've had a lot of poops since August).

ANYWAY.

A man is coming to fix the crapper. If he has the stereotypical "plumber's butt", I will try to take a photo for you. But no promises.


Also, if you do not feel fulfilled by this post, you are not human.

housey questions....

For those of you with condo experience...your thoughts? We went to see one last weekend and of all the places we've seen so far, we fell IMMEDIATELY in like with this one. It is move-in ready. 2 years old. 2 floors, beautiful, close to all our shiznit, and MAYBE with a little haggling, within our price range. I want to know more about condo-living. Specifically, the fees, the 'rules', etc. I know they are different with every place - but if you know stuff, bring it.

Also - Verdun. Anyone live there? There is a possibility here as well. What are the 'good' areas?

And finally, WHERE'S KNEESOX?