...On my Facebook, that is. She said this:
n@!!! what's with the silence?! you haven't spewed your grey matter into the blogosphere in almost a week! i'm going into forced remission! no pressure or anything...;) Also, I love you so much I am going to buy you a pony with a pink mane that can solve math equations by tapping answers out with its hooves.
Okay, I added the last part. You know me too well.
Is it wrong that I actually start getting inklings of guilt when I don't post? Does that happen to you guys? I've THOUGHT about posting the past 6 days. But I haven't really endured anything post-worthy. In actuality though, I have. TONS of stuff. We all do - but I think we don't think of it as blog fodder because it's so everyday and banal.
But it's not banal!
The best stuff to read about is about people's everyday lives. Sometimes you gotta just start writing to see what pours out. So...
Yesterday, I came home and noticed a well-groomed, very attractive couple trying to ring someone from the lobby. That someone, whoever it was, wasn't answering. My first thought was - maybe it's a real estate agent and a client coming to see a place. No biggie. So, I got my mail and went inside. Just as the lobby door was about to close the girl said,
''EXCUSE ME!"
I turned around and said...eeeyyyeessssss???? I didn't say it like that. But I wished I had.( Go here and watch the first 17 seconds to read my mail).
She said, "I've been trying to reach someone in your building because (out comes bible pamphlet) .....blah blah blah "Right here, Jesus says...blabhlabhlahlh"
My inside voice: GAAAAAAAAHHH! JEHOVAH'S WITNESS! What do I say? Do I suddenly speak in tongues? Do I claim atheism? Should I say I am a disciple in the school of rock? What's his deal? Why is he standing outside? Are they related? Are they in a cult? Holy sh*t, am I being brainwashed? How do I get them OUTTA here? Do I invite them in for poop sandwiches? They totally won't know what to say. OH MY GOD I'M TOTALLY INVITING THEM IN FOR POOP SANDWICHES!!!! And I'm going to say it so seriously she won't know what to think. Yes, okay..nod, nod like you're listening..when you find an opening, gently touch her arm and ask them both to come inside. But have a bit of crazy in your eye. And maybe a tick. Is a tick too much? No, no!! A tick is good! Okay...and reeeeally ennunciate the word PEEWWWP. Oh my god this is gonna be funny and....aaaaaand here we go....
"Do you want...to...? Uh...I... I'm not really interested, thanks."
Then I closed the door behind me leaving Jehovah's next top models in the lobby.
10 comments:
Ok - I damn near died laughing at that.
Banal/schmanal, that was hilarious
Them guys is all mindreaders, and know you were gonna offer em poop sangweeches. That's why they weren't too forceful. Besides, they prefer poop on a pita.
Careful, Bob. You don't want to offend the wealthy Europeans reading this. "Poop on a pita" (spelled Puponapita) is actually a very expensive sports car in Mulrovia.
...and I think - somehow, because the world is so damn small - an executive at FOX is going to be directed to your blog, and next season you're going to see "Jehovah's Next Top Model, Fashionistas Of The Gods", and you won't get a cent for the idea.
...and finally the guilt-trip tricks i learned from my older sister come into use...
i'm kidding. You don't HAVE to blog. Just cuz we're crying ourselves to sleep, dreaming about poop sandwiches that are running after us while giant chihuahuas run after them is no reason to feel forced to blog. Really, just our sanity at stake here, no need to worry....
btw, I tried to get your order in but they only had ones that could do Morse code and had a blue mane, so the deal fell through. Sorry!
Oohhhhh they are soooooo lucky they got you instead of me. They avoid my house like the plague for some strange reason.
Must be what I said the last time they woke me from a sound sleep on a Sunday morning. It was not my fault *honest* sonny boy had kept me up all night puking chunks like a satanic version of Mr. Potato Head. So when the door bell rang and the bedroom basically faces towards the front door I opened the window and practically shouted "WHAT!!!!!!!??" they both looked up kinda bewildered and said something like "we are here to tell you about Jesus and his work" I replied... "what doorbell did you ring?" they replied by saying my address I then said "REMEMBER THE F%^&*$G number and don't EVER ring it again!"
So since then I really have no idea why they have never come back. Hubby says "cause they think your the anti-Christ".
I say, I don't try to push my religion on them and so they should do the same.
Funny story about my long departed Grandpa: One time, some of the fundamentalist Christian evangelist door-knockers came calling, asking for a free meal. So Grandpa sends them three doors up the street to Mrs. Luke's house, telling them that she's a devout Christian and a great cook.
Bwack, bwack, bwack...I hear a chicken.
You sooo chickened out with the poop sandwiches. You have to jump on those opportunities when you have the chance. Jump, girl, jump!
Jehovah's Next Top Models - best line EVER!
I think I peed myself a little when I read that!
LMAO!
MAAAAAAAAAAAN! Why don't fun stuff like dat ever happen at my place!?!
Hey, N@: Is there any room amid your multiple personalities for me to be one of them? You have the most fun, Girl!
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