(For those of you not in the know. Rob Kemp has started a fire. I have been riddled with listener e-bullets, demanding me to join Facebook. There is an actual Facebook page dedicated to trying to get me to join. The following is is my response to them...)
Dear Sheeple of the Facebook Vortex,
Imagine my surprise when I started getting deluged with invites to join Facebook (some of you smartypants cleverly disguised your invites with innocent subject lines like, "Song Request" or "Lusty Transvestites Want To Talk To You". Smart). From what I understand, there is a "Make Nat Join Facebook" group. Astounding. And you are all members. Which is even more astounding, since I haven't been the impetus for people coming together since...well...ever. Where were all of you when I needed help moving?!
Friends, I have had a cozy little home on the dubya dubya for about 4 years now (shameless plug ahead: www.natlauzon.com). I even have a regular blog. I like it there. I have a little community of readers. It's safe and no one ever says: FIND OUT WHO'S WATCHING YOU. TRACK VISITORS TO YOUR PAGE USING OUR HIGH-TECH COMPUTEY-MACHINE SPY STUFF. BLINKY BLINKY FLASH FLASH I MADE MY PAGE USING PIMP-IT-UP-SAUCE SOFTWARE BLAH BLAH BLAH DEE BLAHBALHBLHHEEEE!
So, 3 years into my weblog, this thing called Myspace popped up. Suddenly, everyone and their tapeworm had a myspace page. And they all wanted me to join! I dug my heels into the dirt and refused. I already have a webspace, I said. Why do I need another one!? But eventually, I caved. I fell prey to the pretty colours and music and funny youtube videos of hiccuping panda cubs. I wanted to creep around in the ether for old classmates, boyfriends and co-workers and SPY on them. But then I got bored. And started recognizing the labour involved in carrying on conversations via friends' message boards:
Hey, howz it goin'?
(3 days later)
Good, how r u? Luv your page! Have you talked to Becky?
(5 days later)
Cool, thx. Actually, Becky died in a freak ketchup accident 5 yrs ago.
(1 month later)
*blink! blink! * FIND OUT WHO'S WATCHING YOU! TRACK VISITORS TO YOUR PAGE USING....
(1 hour later)
Wow. That sux. :'(
You get the idea. I just thought, if I really wanted to keep in touch with these people, wouldn't I be doing it 3-dimensionally? I'll admit it, Myspace was kinda fun. For a short time. My self-esteem became proportional to the number of 'friends' I had (did you know I'm 'friends' with LOTS of famous people? They're my 'friends'! Do you have famous 'friends'? I have more than you do!) But it didn't last. It's potency was fleeting - like a summer fling, a fresh-cut daisy, a bean dip fart! I still check my Myspace on a regular basis though, because I've been somewhat enslaved. I'm weaning.
And now - everyone's all like: HEY NAT! WE'RE ALL OVER HERE! *wave, wave* JOIN FACEBOOK! IT'S BETTER!
And I'm like: Please, youse guyses. I just got on Myspace. And if I go on Facebook, you'll all jump ship somewhere else. You are the carrot and I'm the mule! You're the floater on my retina - I know you're there but you keep moving just out of my field of vision. What makes Facebook any better?! Everyone says that, but no one tells me why! I've heard it's 'addictive'. By definition, this is not a selling point for me...
addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal.
Withdrawal! This means once your Facebook euphoria wears off, you'll all be in the fetal position, trembling and sweating under your desks swatting at imaginary flies. Sadly, some of you may already be there. For the rest of you, keep an eye out for anyone who offers you Kool-Aid.....
Bottom line is: I've got 2 web'homes'. My original site and Myspace. What the heck am I gonna do with a third? If I spread myself too thin, I will have no quality contribution for any of them (I am aware this falsely assumes I've got quality contributions to begin with). So, I will say this. It's possible I'll join. It's possible I won't. Maybe one night at 2am, I'll be surfin' the dubya, bored out of my skull and sign up JUST to see what you're writing on the "Make Nat Join Facebook" page.
In the meantime, if you've made it this far in my diatribe, you might like to read what I've got to say on a regular basis, non? In which case, I'd like to invite you to join the "Make the Make Nat Join Facebook Members Join Nat's Website". You can find it here: www.natlauzon.com and click on the box on the far right.
SEE YA IN THE ETHER, SHEEPLE!