I just found something I wrote, like 4 years ago. I think I sent it to a friend of mine who was suffering the squirts and the barfs at the same time.
Dear Valued Customer,
We here at Dewy Cheatum and Howe Insurance understand you have the shits. This is why we have taken this op-poo-tunity to inform you of a few changes to our insurance policies, specifically with reference to anal and oral leakage.
It is estimated that in 2002 alone, over 1/3 of claims filed were based on injuries (physical and emotional) sustained while experiencing some sort of gastric upset. Take, for instance, the case of Jim Thornton. A young man who caught a flu bug the night before a big job interview. In the interview, when asked what skills he could bring to the workplace - Jim promptly responded with a steaming pantload of diaper gravy. Needless to say, Jim didn't get the job. And he was left with a hefty cleaning bill for his soiled trousers.
Luckily -Jim didn't have to pay that bill. He had already compared insurance policies and found that only Dewy Cheatum and Howe Insurance offers the no-hassle "Shit My Pants in Public" Package - covering all cleaning expenses, therapist charges for emotional damage and a monthly severance*, payable until the day of re-employment.
Please take a moment to read our enclosed pamplet, detailing our other popular policies - geared to meet your specific needs. And don't forget when speaking with our phone representatives to ask about our special offers for first time clients. Ask for them by name:
The Hershey Squirt Guarantee
Poop and Puke Policy
Barf Burp Benefits
I Touched Cloth, Clause
During the cold and flu season, you have nothing to gain but peace of mind when it comes to making your excretions work for you. At Dewy Cheatum and Howe, our mandate is based on three simple points:
*Do we offer competitive quotes?
*Do we provide you and your family with the protection and security you need?
*Do we understand that a life with the runs is still worth running?
You best your ass.
Dewy Cheatum and Howe, Inc.
*May be paid in rubles.