Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Poopheads.

I can't believe it's not butter. And I also can't believe I forgot to post about this!

It's not that topical anymore..happened maybe 3 weeks ago. But it's still not bad blog fod.

I was walking Flea. Now, I am used to the dogs getting attention because they look like rats in clothes and that's okay. Sometimes I counteract it by going out pantless, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyhoo. Me and Flea. Marche. I walk past these two young guys, maybe 18-20 years old? And one goes, "Hey puppy dooogggg!" In a cutesy little voice that is so blatantly sarcastic, it's obvious he doesn't care about actually meeting her...he just wants to look cool in front of his friend.So, I walk on.

I am at the end of the street (a good 20 feet away) when I hear him yell, "HEY! MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DOG!".

Now, at this point I need to backtrack.

This of all days, was just not the day, know what I mean? I had actually had a few very recent experiences in which I was approached/spoken to by some half-bent loser on the street and bit my tongue. This is something that all the fellahs in the house may have a hard time relating to. But I guarantee any woman reading this knows how enraging it is to be spoken to by some cheesefart and choosing not to do anything about it. Sometimes the odds are not in your favour (there are more than one, it's night time, etc). Sometimes, it's not worth the effort or consequence (barring obviously a life or death circumstance).

So, back to the story.

"MY DICK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DOG!"

The 3rd incident in as many days. And the straw that broke the camel's back. I stopped. Turned around. And marched back toward them.

Now THIS is actually the best part of the entire story (so if you have better things to do, stop reading after this paragraph).

On my way back over, I passed a bus stop where an old lady was sitting. She had HEARD the comment and when she saw me doubleback, she looked me square in the eye, tightened her lips and nodded slowly. You know that "go get 'em tiger" look that you only see in movies? Now I wasn't just doing this for me, I was doing this for that old lady and all of womankind! It was so friggin' cinematic, I couldn't believe it.

Basically what happened was, I walked over, stood in front of them and said, "What did you say"?" Making sure to give each of them equal eye time. It was easy to see which one was the loudmouth because the other guy looked like he wanted to crawl under the pavement. He looked utterly embarrassed.

Loudmouth played dumb, saying he didn't know what I was talkin about.

"Well it sounded like you had something to say to me. I'm here. What is it?"

There is no climax to this conversation. Just me giving them a bit of shit, Flea snuffling their pantlegs for food (gawd! Didn't she know I was trying to defend her honour?) and then leaving.

When I told Corn after, he said I should have called the guy on it. And if I had thought of it in my red-hot fury, I would have. Y'know, marched back over and said,

"Really? Let's see it! Come on - if it's bigger than my dog I'll give you ten bucks!"

But you always come up with the best material after the fact, don't ya?

If you had all the time in the world to come up with a good line - what would YOU have said?

6 comments:

Angry Gnome said...

I likie you story. I wish I had the cojones (?) to do that. I don't walk the cats but I think if I had been your situation I would have turned the other cheek and walked away. Damn girl, you done good.

Ma Horton said...

That's my kid ..you made yer Ma proud ! I dare any so called big dick to say that about my dog in a few short months .

Newsguy Bob said...

Being a guy, I can't relate much. But -- and back me up on this, Corn, JB and Milky -- any @$$hole who does something like that does NOT have a big willy. He's probably hung like a tic-tac. He's just over-compensating.

Corn had the right response. Too bad it's the kind of thing that someone suggests, or that you think of, LATER.

I pity the jerkwad's buddy. He probably WAS supremely embarrassed.

Angry Gnome said...

Also, this is totally off topic but since you're "in the know" about music and stuff I wanted to know if it's a bad thing that I like the Paris Hilton song. I think it's catchy. Now, my personal morals tell me that I shouldn't like it or even flirt with the possibility of downloading the track and adding to her already heavy pockets. What's a girl to do? Will it pass?

JB said...

I HATE guys like that. You did exactly the right thing. You didn't incite trouble, and I'd hate for something to happen to you because you came up with the perfect smart remark right there instead of after the fact when you're safe in Corn's company.
You made your point, regardless of what drivel would have come out of the idiot's mouth after you turned to walk away, because that's what cowardly boys do.
I think making any reference to the guy's nether regions would have empowered him, which would be wrong. A reference to his brain being smaller than your dog might have been worth considering, or you could say, "Well, my dog is obviously much bigger than your sense of decency...but you won't understand what that means for about 20 years."

Twiggy said...

oooh...what JB said.
clap clap clap (with the hands in a "hear hear" sorta way. not the std!) pfff..