Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Bus Stop Rendezvous

A dirt-caked, nicotine-breathed old man tried to pick me up today at the bus stop. 

Okay, eew right?  But I guess he wasn't off the mark cuz if there's any place a dirt-caked, nicotine-breathed old man might pick up,  it'd probably be at a bus stop.   I made the mistake of sitting beside him on the bench.

He takes a big swig from his nondescript paper cup and through a lukewarm deluge of coffee breath,  informs me that he is - an attorney.

Stee-rike one! 

Dude, at least OWN your lie, y'know? Try to make it at least half-believable. Because based on your B.O. and the fact that you are WAITING FOR THE BUS this is a pill I just can't swallow. 
But of course this little gem makes me want to egg him on. Purely for blog fodder because I haven't been feeding you very well baby birds and I know it and this is me taking one for the team DAMMIT! 

So - okay. Attorney. Then he points to his house.  His yellow stained finger waves up at a shit apartment building that I KNOW is shit because my friend used to live in it and said "this place is such shit" ohhh, about 23 thousand times a day.

"See up there? That balcony? That's where I live."

Does the person in the apartment know you're living on their balcony? I mean, "You must have a nice view."  Then I ask, "What kind of law do you practice"?

"Criminal."  Stee-rike Two!

I'll tell you what's criminal. The way you tuck your jacket into your pants. WHO THE HELL TUCKS IN A COAT?  There is no legal defense for that. None. Straight to jail do not pass go.

At this point I realize my bus is tragically late. Or, I've missed it. And he doesn't give 2 craps because he wasn't waiting for the bus anyway. He was waiting to lure a wide-eyed little doe into his web of saucy lies and substandard hygiene.

"So - do you have any secretarial skills? I need a new secretary."

If by secretarial skills you mean the ability to drop a 40 lb typewriter on someone's head like an anvil, then yes.  Yes I do.   "Uh, no." 

"Do you have a phone number so I could call you to talk?"

Stee-rike Three! You're out!

"Nope!  No phone!"

And with that, I wished him well, trashed any thought of public transit and hailed a cab. And even though the cab smelled like ass, it still smelled better than Stinky McReeks, Attorney at Law. 


Ma Horton said...

What did I tell you about chatting it up to strange strangers ???

Maria said...

This my dear is the reason I ditched public transit all those years ago. Having stinky cigarette smelling men leaning their head on my shoulder to grab a quick snooze is not my idea of how I want to spend my morning.

The last straw came when some dude at the metro grabbed my boob on his way out, and I don't just mean leaned up against it, he grabbed the entire boob while I just stood there in disbelief... The next day I bought a car!

Misster Kitty said...

This is why Public Transit KICKS ASS! …and remember you can't spell public without “lic” (heh) or “Pub” for that matter... hmmmm

What you really gotta do, for the smell alone, is hop on the 80 north some day during evening rush hour. You'd have enough material for a full season of a sit-com!

And hey... thanks for the laughs, I never knew coffee would give me such a rush?! (as it shot through my sinus cavity) ...who knew?

Adora said...

Hi N@

This post made my day, really good laughs.

Next time you'll think twice before sitting next to anyone at the bus stop. I avoid sitting at the bus stop at all costs. =D

Newsguy Bob said...

Two words for you: "What if?".
What if...
-He really is a lawyer, just hiding it well?
-He's filthy (pun intended) stinkin' (pun intended) rich?
-He needs an heir?
-etc., etc., etc.

Misster Kitty said...

Thought I’d share this… I rode with your one of your new friends co-workers on the metro this morning. Have you ever seen a half empty metro car during rush hour? Well I did today...

I hopped on the car thinking " This is gonna be a GREAT DAY! A seat for all 19 metro stations WOO HOO!" Then the doors closed. I don't even know WHAT he smelled like and after a moment I thought I want OUT...

I moved a few rows away and thought “well it's fainter now” and pulled out my book (Pillars of the Earth) and thought “well this might add to the reading experience” as the author points out countless times, back in the day the women bathed once a month and the men once a season... yea... it helped… not so much . What it did do was make me ill and at the 2nd stop I crammed my ass into the next car, where I received many knowing smiles.

I wonder what their law firm is called?
“Putrid, Reek, McStanky, Hummin and Poo”

And FYI, my Word verification for this is, I shit you not "quesse" And ya know a more fitting word, there is not...

Maria said...

hehehe love the name of the law firm!!

Not only did Nat's post make me giggle/smile and laugh out loud, but your post right there almost made me pee my pants.