Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Hunter

I'm not an advocate of hunting for sport. I don't see the benefit of it in any way, shape or form. But I'll admit that this summer, I have become a hunter.

I hunt hornets. I hunt them on our terrace for sport. But also out of necessity so I guess it isn't entirely merciless. We had a professional come spray the nest areas last year. And he'll be back again this year. But in the meantime - I hunt.

My hornet trap looks exactly like this. Please note it is shaped like beehive. We all know hornets don't LIVE in hives - so whose benefit is this for? It's like setting a mouse trap that looks like a Smurf house. Common sense would dictate, if this does not LOOK like your house - THEN DON'T GO INSIDE HANSEL AND GRETEL! But common sense is what separates us from insects. That, and eyebrows.

Anyway, as far as the hornets are concerned, they end up taking a curious peek inside the plastic hive. Then they sip from a delicious homemade concoction of juice, sugar and dog food. Then they drown in it. Had they learned anything from Bob and Doug Mackenzie, they'd have drank it all and swelled to the size of a smart car to avoid drowning. But hornets aren't much for learning from 80's pop culture. Plus, they'd probably have trouble flying what with the bloat and all. And assuming they made it back to their nest, there is no way a fat hornet is gonna be able to live in a paper house. It'd go home and like, it's neighbour underneath would be all "Hey, Honey can you come here a sec and look at the ceiling in this spot? Does it look saggy to you? Yeah, I definitely think it's sagg..." Then CRASH! A big fat hornet would fall on top of it's skinny downstairs neighbour and the delicate balance of nature would be forever disrupted. So, see? It's better for the planet if I just kill them. Someone get Al Gore on the phone.

You know what? To tell you the truth, I don't even know if these bugs are wasps or hornets. I don't know the difference. And I refuse to call them Yellowjackets cuz that's the lamest name for an insect. Representing them as having any kind of fashion cognition is personally offensive to me because I have none. THIS is a yelllow jacket. Actually, it's more like a jumper or pantsuit or onesie but you see what I'm saying. "Yellowjackets" makes me imagine them all naked in front of a wardrobe full of striped yellow jackets, deciding which one to wear. And as you can well imagine, this type of anthropormorphism makes them harder to kill.

And I am a hunter.

Even though I've only caught one so far. And a housefly which I set free because I felt bad.

4 comments:

JB said...

Actually, the bug is wearing kind of a onesie. I like yellowonesie. I think you should go with that. I'd kill anything called a yellowonesie. For sure.

Misster Kitty said...

A good do-it-yourself wasp and hornet killer is open a can of tuna -packed in water not oil (Wasps are all into watching their weight) take out 1/2 the tuna and have a snack, but LEAVE the tuna juice in the can (YUM! I know!) and the remaining 1/2 of the tuna. Then sprinkle some comet on the tuna and then place it near where the wasps/hornets are buzzing around (but make sure it's not accessible to cats, dogs... and NOT near open windows. In a few days it will HUM... at any rate the flying buggers will take the stuff back to their nests and will DIE DIE DIE!

Newsguy Bob said...

Be vewwy vewwy quiet...

Newsguy Bob said...

By the way, don't believe the thing that's floating around the dubya-dubya-dubya lately, about spraying Listerine around your deck, to get rid of mosquitos.
I tried it. It doesn't work. Just leaves that Listerinish alcohol smell hanging in the air.
Yuck!