Friday, August 17, 2007

Coping

I have had my moments recently. I have felt made of porcelain. Full of hairline fractures, ready to ripen into chasms. I have been living pendulously from one emotion to the next, feeling the sting of tears at the most inopportune moments. And I have tried to reconcile again and again in my mind...WHY? I have no answer. And I can't even begin to fathom how this feels for his own flesh and blood. I ache for them.

He lived more in his 56 years than many people do in an entire lifetime. He left a legacy to be proud of. Amazing kids. An extraordinary wife (did you read this?). Great friends. A job he loved. Students who respected him. And a life he embraced energetically and wholeheartedly -pursuing his hobbies with passion. And he was never afraid to show you that he cared. At every milestone of our lives, he was there with tears brimming in his eyes: graduation, birthdays, his daughter's wedding and most recently - meeting his first grandchild. He always took the time. And he was always so proud. And never afraid to let you know it.

And he was also damn funny. Always joking and quick to laugh. As one friend reminisced back home - 'In high school, you couldn't call her without joking around with him first. He'd pretend you had the wrong number or that he didn't know who you were.' He always made us smile.

And now, he's gone. And it's not fair. And somehow, it is still not real. Again, reconciling. But, the thing is - time doesn't heal anything. It's what you do WITH that time that allows you to heal. And if you spend it like a broken record, skipping over and over again on the same worn-out groove, you'll never hear the rest of the song. Which would be a shame because his song was worth hearing. Every note, worth remembering - and tucking in your back pocket for a rainy day.

So, I know that for those who loved him, the heartache will start to fracture off bit by bit. And those warm moments will melt away some of the grief. And somewhere underneath all of that, a song will be playing. Like it always has. A gentle, soulful reminder of a life well-lived and well-loved. And I know in time, we can all sing along.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~

5 comments:

Misster Kitty said...

Beautiful.

Continued love and support coming your way and to your friends, families...

Ma Horton said...

Beautiful Natalie ..written from the pain and the love in your heart . He touched so many of you ..what a wonderful legacy .

Marisa said...

I had read that post over at Ma's (I lurk there, too) and...WOW! was all I could think or say.

I think it's fitting that you ended your beautiful post with that quote. We should all try to live by those words.

Amazon Woman said...

You have such a way with words. What you wrote is so true and his life is a reminder to all of us to live fully and enjoy every moment.

Hugs!

365 Attempts (At Life) said...

When it comes from the heart, it's always lovely.
Great piece.