Monday, July 09, 2007

Vermin

Pay made fun of my pigeon babies. And guess what happened? INSTANT KARMA! Check out this e-mail she sent me (you will have to forgive the grammar. She wrote this hastily and freaked out or as Pay says, "Forgive the spelling because I was fearing for my life")

I THINK A F&*%$ DISEASED SQUIRREL IS BUILDING A HOME ON MY WINDOW LEDGE!!

...i kept hearing little scratching sounds in my room, but there's a tree outside so sometimes it's the branches so i look and 4 inches from my face is this ugly, diseased squirrel (I read that the nasty ones have skin diseases when they have basically scratched their own fur off and the skin is all raw and gross) and - it's bald from the middle up where it's legs can reach and scratch and it's so gross looking i want to throw up. It probably has rabies, SARS and flesh-eating disease. Now I see that it is collecting a pile of leaves and twigs on my windowsill. it keeps jumping to the tree to get leaves and then coming back to my window...argh. i feel bad b/c it's diseased but it's so gross....
NO BABIES!@!!!

And after I wrote her back, e-laughing my e-ass off...this:

i full on BANGED on the glass (it is 1/4 inch of glass seperating me and the rabies-squirrel) and most squirrels b/c they are so f*%$#@ jittery would have jumped to their death, but THIS ONE b/c a disease is eating its brain - does not commit suicide when i bang on the glass - it looks at me and chews the screen...so i open the glass part and yell at it, no words, i think just a caveman "arrrgggggh!!!" and it jumps to the other ledge so i spray the ledge and it's pile of leaves with lysol (lemon-scented, don't cha know.)

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Alvin and the Shitmunks. I love how Pay's retalliation was to clean it's house. Just do like me - let the diseased urban wildlife set up shop, then take National Geographic shots of it, wallowing in it's own filth and grime. (you can also supplement this pictorial with a series of shots of yourself, slowly going more insane as time goes by).

7 comments:

Newsguy Bob said...

You call yourself Pay's FRIEND???
What if she catches something from the diseased rodent and goes, I don't know, SQUIRELLY? Will you go and visit her in the isolation ward of the nuthatch? Huh? Will ya?

Pay: Now now, there there.

Misster Kitty said...

I don't know about you but I demand to see some pics!

And while I'm here, I offer up the name Shirl the Squirrel.

(I give because I'm a giver.)

Maria said...

I am with Pay on this one. I too used to be like N@ and let them harvest their young in my backyard... until one day as I opened the back door to throw him another peanut he/she (I never checked gender was too busy shitting my pants)he ran into my freakin' house. My son was only a few years old at the time and I locked us into the bathroom until we eventually crawled out the window.

I would spray some Lysol and dump a case of that 99.9% antibacterial thing on the windowsill. Poor Pay I feel for her.

Oh, and unlike Kitty I don't think I want to see pictures of a diseased squirrel - thanks I'll pass!

Amazon Woman said...

You guys are like a twisted Marlin Perkins and the Urban Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom.

Keep smilin!

hnomkop said...

"While Jim fought a rabid rhinoceros in heat, Marlin mixed another pitcher of martinis in his tent."

Misster Kitty said...

...that has GOT to be FARSIDE.

Newsguy Bob said...

hnomkop was actually me. I guess I accidentally put the word verification on the name line.

And yeah, Kitty, I think it's from The Far Side.