Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Question of the Day

On the heels of a long weekend - I'm sure our collective brain is not functioning at full capacity. So, I thought I would post about something silly rather than my usual musings about politics and world events (cough, cough). Please respond to this question in a swift and honest manner.

Can you fart while sitting ON your ass?

I have had this conversation before. But I was thinking about it again on the bus this morning, when an ever-so-faint waft of bum drifted my way. Everyone on the bus at that point was sitting down. On THEIR bums (as I was on mine) and I wondered whose ass gas was so aggressive that it could escape compacted, flattened-down buttcheeks?

I think it depends on the particular brand of fart. For instance, a seepy, silent post-hangover fart might as well be called the "Houdini" because it can escape anything. Sometimes you aren't even AWARE it's escaped. But, I want to know about the "textbook fart" - the one that actually sounds like a whoopee cushion - the "hearty blat", if you will. Can you do those kind of farts while sitting on your butt?

Not me. No way. I am the obvious farter. The one who will hoist a cheek off the seat to set it free. Otherwise, I just can't do it. I have tried to remain seated while farting and it will NOT come out. When my farts have no escape route, it's like a backfiring car with nowhere to go but INSIDE. What would have been a fart cloud on the outside, becomes a dense, little fart pellet within my body. I can feel it ricochet off my innards - pinballing off each of my ribs and finally hurtling skyward to just behind my eyeballs. You will know I have held in a fart if you see my eyes bulging out slightly (I give to you, Exhibit A).

My sister can fart while on her ass. I mean, big obnoxious, noisy farts. And I don't get it. To me, it almost defies scientific principle to be able to fart that loud and not reposition any cheek surface area. Am I alone on this? Can the rest of you jerks fart while on your butt?

16 comments:

Milky said...

I'm proud to say that I can participate in any event at the fart olympics!

Farts are GREAT fun... unless they're somebody else's.

Heck yes I can fart sitting down!!! In fact, the bus is a GREAT place to fart! A vinyl seat with just a bit of padding is the perfect acoustic environment to make your fart 20x louder than it would have been otherwise as the seat shakes when you let one go... and the shaking of the seat, in turn, shakes your cheeks adding to the sensation AND giving the fart much more bass.

I was driving a vehicle with cloth seats until recently. They did nothing but muffle the best of Milky... and the absorbancy also made my hiney kinda moist. Nobody likes that. My lease was up, but I loved that vehicle, so I leased a new one... but this time with leather.

Let me tell ya... I don't need a gazillion amps and subwoofers in my trunk to make my car sound like the average rapper-wanna be!!!!

AND I have the seat warmers!!!!!! Can't wait to try that this winter!!!!

Milky

Maria said...

What kind of question is that? hehehaha... Thats one reason I stopped taking the bus and bought a car. lol Nothing like sitting in a crowded bus all uncomfortable, smelly, sweaty and then someone lets one go - just when you thought you couldn't be any more uncomfortable. Life stinks - doesn't it?? lol No pun intended.

I have not had any time off work nohing for St. Jean nada for Canada Day I worked right through so my brain can not process questions that are fart related today. I get back to you tomorrow.

In the meantime Happy FART Day I suppose!

Rick said...

Simply put your Keister cheeks form a narrow passage, the rest is left to the path of least resistance.

As a former pub-transit (sounds like a bar) member I can tell you that those seats are perfect for the whole “passage” theory. Almost like the engineer him self suffered from flatulence related humor.

Rick said...

Simply put your Keister cheeks form a narrow passage, the rest is left to the path of least resistance.

As a former pub-transit (sounds like a bar) member I can tell you that those seats are perfect for the whole “passage” theory. Almost like the engineer him self suffered from flatulence related humor.

Newsguy Bob said...

Puh-leez! Of course I can fart sitting down.
I'm kind of surprised that Dr. Seuss never wrote about it: "I can fart in a chair, I can fart in thin air, I can fart in a house, I can fart at a mouse."

Have you ever read the Walter the Farting Dog books? Hilarious! And a great way to get kids to read, because every kid (even the 30-year-old radio DJ kind) love stories about farting.

What about farting in the bathtub? Great bubbles and a different aroma altogether.

Gotta go pass gas. Later.

JB said...

...I'm a cheek-lifter.
;-)
There's a story - maybe you've heard it - about an old guy being admitted to a nursing home, and while seated and waiting for the registration process to be completed on his behalf, he starts slowly leaning to the right. The nurse, ever-so-dutiful, sits him up straight again. Moments later, the man starts a slow lean to the left. The nurse, still fully attentive toward the man, again straightens him to the upright position. At this point, the man seems to be irritated, and starts slowly leaning forward in the chair. This time, the nurse sees that this is going to take all of her time if she continues this way, so she secures the old fella to the chair in an upright position with some belts and restraints. He's going nuts now, calling for his daughter, who's still going through the registration procedure. She comes to him, and says, "Dad, why are you so upset?"
His reply?
"I'm not staying here! They won't let me fart!"

Maria said...

Oh I love Newsguy Bob's Dr. Seuss stories about farting... lolololol I would definately buy those books. lol funny all around.

I am still NOT answering the question though!

N@ Lauzon said...

COME ON MARIA!
It's free for all flatulence day! If you don't tell us, we'll have to guess and that could be worse.

Sherri said...

I fart on my butt. Makes a really neat sound. But, then they're trapped in the cushion for all eternity. Lift a cheek! Free your farts!

Ma Horton said...

I am by norm a non -farter and yet have birthed a farting double daughter dynasty. However I confess to have one personal farting story that I will retain for my own blog one day . ( BURP )

N@ Lauzon said...

I find it hi-fartin'-larious that this particular post has the most comments of any to date. Okay, I posted twice - BUT STILL!!

Milky said...

You posted TWICE... as in... THIS is #2?!?! Get it... NUMBER TWO!!!

Snicker.

Oh wait - now this is MY #2!

Milky

N@ Lauzon said...

Then what's a #3??!?!??!?!

Newsguy Bob said...

WHICH REMINDS ME...

When I was in Cuba in April, our tour guide on the bus to Havana asked that if anyone had to use the bathroom on the bus, please go number 2 only. Then he wondered why all us crazy Canucks were laughing.

Um, when I was a kid, #3 was a combination of #1 and #2. You do the math.

Hey, this is my #2, too. Aw, crap!

Ma Horton said...

You are all full of hot air and high -falutin'flatulence .PEEYEW !

Milky said...

THIS is a #3! (Or what Bob said...)

The next one, I believe, is commonly referred to as a "double double."

Milky